Of my future.

Until last week, I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life: to be an endocrinologist. I wanted to pass on the gift I received to other people who are sick and looking for an answer, whose doctors don't believe that they're sick even as they deteriorate. I went through that; I could really empathize with patients who just want to be healthy.

But, last week, I had an epiphany. It wasn't much, but I'm sure it's altered my entire future. I realized, I don't want to be a doctor. Yes, I want to help those people, and yes, biology is interesting to me, but it's not my passion. I don't love biology or chemistry or math; in fact, I openly dislike the latter two. I don't want to spend 8 to 12 years in school, the idea of actually having patients and treating them terrifies me. The idea of going through with my pre-med major really just saddens me.

And then, I realized what I really want and have lost sight of in recent months: to read and write. I love characters and stories, I love what drives these characters and what happens to them and who they are and what they represent; I love talking about them and writing about them and discovering why they are important. Books and characters drive me to tears in a way math and science never can. So, I know that that's what I want to do now. I want to write, and I want to put my stories out there for others to enjoy.

In order to do this, I'll have to overcome my self-consciousness about my worth as a writer and a person, and I'll have to overcome my fear of having others read and critique my writing. I'm definitely getting better; I just really need to realize that no, not everyone will like what I write, and I may get trash from it. But from everyone I've given it to to read, I've had nothing but positive feedback. Granted, they may be a bit biased because they are friends and family, but it still makes me think that maybe others would enjoy it; hey, I like reading it. Others might too.

And I know now that because someone critiques my writing doesn't mean that they don't like it, it just means that they see a way in which it could be better. And I should take that at face value: I want my writing to improve and be the best it can be.

I will probably have to find some sort of other job with which to pay my bills before I go about making my way in the author-ship field. I don't know what that will be - I have ideas, but I definitely want something interesting and financially stable - but I know it will work out.

I'm at a certain peace.